I don't need someone to talk to..
I just need someone to listen..
to my SILENCE..
I smile at everyone. I talk to many. I joke around. I tell crazy things. I laugh aloud.
But..
I shout silently. I scream inside. I cry deeply.
Hypocrisy may it seem, but it’s not.
Insane you may tell me, but I’m not.
I couldn’t speak lies, but I couldn’t tell the truth either.
I want to be happy always... but if I can’t, then at least I will pretend.
I maybe smiling, but I’m crying inside.
I may understand everything around me, but I couldn’t understand my very own self at times.
I may explain your feelings and emotions, but I couldn’t explain mine.
HYPOCRISY? Definitely NOT. It’s what you call...
IRONY.
I just love my friends.
They are treasure i keep.
[ this is my very first time to make a video. try lang. :) ]
Five years have passed. I haven't felt it. I didn't expect it will last this long.
HAPPY ME. :)
But how about You? Are You Happy? Well, I know You are.
But also, I know I've hurt You that much.
And now, I don't know what path I'm taking.
I do not know where should I go.
I do not know what should I think about.
And this became my favorite word - "WHY?"
And my favorite phrase - "I don't know."
Now, I can only think of one.
Has our covenant expired?
I know it should not. NEVER.
But if ever it has, I appeal for renewal.
I know You'd be glad to sign it.
But can i ask for a favor?
Can You please hold my hand as i sign it?
At least I would feel that I'll never be alone on this job.
And one last thing.
Can You hug me?
I missed You.
I've broke so many promises.
I've turned away many times.
Will You still love me?
[ sigh.. ]
I know You will.
..and I will.. too.
nine eighteen of ten.
twenty three eleven at my watch.
dark. quiet. empty.
i heard it once more. i couldn't stand it.
i couldn't stand every tear.
she's hurting. i know. but i couldn't do anything.
i asked her why. she didn't answer.
slowly, she looked at me.
then, she smiled.
she's my friend - happy, jolly, high-spirited, always on the go.
that what she is - OUTSIDE.
but going beyond that is a lonely soul.
digging a little bit deeper is a broken spirit.
i always want to take care of her.
to keep her away from any pain.
but i couldn't. i could never.
"do you love me?" she whispered.
i looked at her. and slowly, i looked down again.
do i love her? of course!
but do i really love her? do i?!
if yes, she shouldn't be hurting like this.
if yes, she must be happy as she should be.
if yes, she must not be asking this question at me.
but she's hurting. she's not happy. and she's questioning my love.
now, i don't know how to answer.
do i really love her?
have i given her the right amount of love?
or have i just mistaken pity for love?
she should be happy. she should really be.
but i'm making things hard for her.
i'm making things complicated.
"i will make it up.. i will.."
it's not easy. i know.
but i'll do everything to make her smile again.
she has faked it a lot of times.
but i want to see a genuine one this time.
it's not easy. but a genuine love for her might suffice.
at least i will try.
besides, it's the only thing i can start with.
to give her the right amount of love.
the LOVE that SHE DESERVES.
the LOVE that SHE NEEDS.
oh by the way, my friend's name is...
- digi -
When You said "no", i followed. When You said "stop", i stopped. When You said "wait", i did.
But then, my miracle came. I never thought such would come in a time like this. I wanted to ask WHY, again.
But i couldn't. I know i just have to follow.. YOU. Not me, not anyone else, not even my miracle.
But then again, i failed. I fell on a trap.
Confused? Yes, i am.
Now? Yeah, not later, not a while ago. NOW.
Hurting? Maybe.
Bitter? Nah. I hope not.
I said i'll wait. I'm willing. Yes of course i am. But... goodness! It hurts..
My heart cries. But my eyes aren't. I'm even laughing. God, i'm going insane.
I can't. I can't afford to be hurt again. No, not this time. I'm not prepared.
I tried to stop. I even asked You to stop me, to help me. But You didn't answer.
And so.. and so..
I THOUGHT IT'S FINE.
No, I really can't accept this. No.. Can my heart be numb for a while?
Can my heart just stop beating? Can my mind just stop thinking?
God! I'm going crazy!
Had i not fallen this deep, would it be easier?
Would it hurt less?
I just did it, the way i thought You want me to do it.
I just followed, the way i thought i should be.
But then again, i failed.
I'm hurting. Just like the way before.
No, it hurts more.
And to make things more painful, my miracle doesn't know.
And worst, it doesn't care.
Should i stop?
I have a lot of things to do, to think about, to preprare for.
If it's not Your will, can You just pull it back?
If it's not what You want, can it just leave me alone?
If it'll just hurt me, i dont' want it.
If it'll just kill me, i can't accept it.
But, was it my fault?
Oh yeah, it was. It really was.
I can never blame You. Never.
And now it really hurts..
It really really hurts..
However, i can still stand.
And even if i won't get anything in return..
I know..
I just have to love more..
I can. I will.
I really can't understand myself why i read "man against himself". Its basically a psychological book that talks about why do people commit suicide. Am i in this situation? Do i have that tendency of killing myself?? Oh, no. Definitely NOT. Well, at least that's the answer from my brain, from my almost crippled brain.
Now, i just realized that it's really painful to be silent. I never realized it until this day that i wanna burst into tears and wish i could just die and leave everything behind. Why? Why do i have to feel such agony of being alone? I know i am not. There are many out there. Willing to listen. Willing to help. But why? Why can't i just open up and say everything that's in my heart? Why can't i just cry and even shout if i have to? Why can't i do such things?
Even though i know i must go on, why do i feel so tired of it?
And even though i know i'll never be alone, why do i continue to feel so?
I never dare ask You these questions. I know i should not. I know there are answers to all my questions and there are "because" to all of my "whys". But when would i know them? When would You reveal them to me? I'm getting tired of going on with so many questions in my mind. And now i feel like it would explode into pieces and I'm worried I'll never get it whole again. It's a crap. I'm going crazy.
Now HOW? If i can't ask You WHY, then at least tell me HOW.
How will i go on? How will i continue doing things that would make You smile when i myself can't find anymore the reasons to do it. I'm getting tired of this. I always ask You to give me strength. But why do i have to feel such pain of waiting in vain? am i Lord? Am i? Gee, i know i am not...
I know i can go on. Ironic isn't it? I'm tired and fed up but i still believe i can go on.
Well definitely, that's because i know You will always be there.
My mind might get crippled. My heart might get weary. But my faith won't.
I'll be still.
I'll run the race.
And I'll finish strong.
I know i will...
Now, i just realized that it's really painful to be silent. I never realized it until this day that i wanna burst into tears and wish i could just die and leave everything behind. Why? Why do i have to feel such agony of being alone? I know i am not. There are many out there. Willing to listen. Willing to help. But why? Why can't i just open up and say everything that's in my heart? Why can't i just cry and even shout if i have to? Why can't i do such things?
Even though i know i must go on, why do i feel so tired of it?
And even though i know i'll never be alone, why do i continue to feel so?
I never dare ask You these questions. I know i should not. I know there are answers to all my questions and there are "because" to all of my "whys". But when would i know them? When would You reveal them to me? I'm getting tired of going on with so many questions in my mind. And now i feel like it would explode into pieces and I'm worried I'll never get it whole again. It's a crap. I'm going crazy.
Now HOW? If i can't ask You WHY, then at least tell me HOW.
How will i go on? How will i continue doing things that would make You smile when i myself can't find anymore the reasons to do it. I'm getting tired of this. I always ask You to give me strength. But why do i have to feel such pain of waiting in vain? am i Lord? Am i? Gee, i know i am not...
I know i can go on. Ironic isn't it? I'm tired and fed up but i still believe i can go on.
Well definitely, that's because i know You will always be there.
My mind might get crippled. My heart might get weary. But my faith won't.
I'll be still.
I'll run the race.
And I'll finish strong.
I know i will...
There were walls. Four of them.
I was in the middle.
I could see everything outside - parties, celebrations. People were so happy.
I couldn't help but be thrilled to wander.
I know there were walls, but i was determined to destroy them.
One, two, three..and i found myself outside. Oh how easy it was to break them.
As i stood there, i felt freedom.
I wanted to go a little bit farther, believing i will never get lost.
One step at a time. One moment at a time.
And i enjoyed it.
Then suddenly, I've realized i am nowhere but at a slum.
Hot, crowded, noisy, annoying.
I was in the middle.
And as i stood there, I didn't know how to move.
Where to run. How to get out of it.
I was happy. I enjoyed everything.
But deep inside, i knew it.. i was almost..almost.. in a pit of darkness..
And as i thought of it, i tried to look above.
Thinking maybe..just maybe...
i could find my way back home..
It was so fast. I can't even remember how i got there, AGAIN.
There were walls. Four of them.
I was in the middle.
I could see everything.
But this time, I'm not looking at the parties outside.
I'm viewing how beautiful inside.
He put walls, but they're broken.
He created door, but i have the key.
He had set the boundaries yet the freedom is still mine.
How i love to worship You.
How i love to be with You.
Until eternity.
I was in the middle.
I could see everything outside - parties, celebrations. People were so happy.
I couldn't help but be thrilled to wander.
I know there were walls, but i was determined to destroy them.
One, two, three..and i found myself outside. Oh how easy it was to break them.
As i stood there, i felt freedom.
I wanted to go a little bit farther, believing i will never get lost.
One step at a time. One moment at a time.
And i enjoyed it.
Then suddenly, I've realized i am nowhere but at a slum.
Hot, crowded, noisy, annoying.
I was in the middle.
And as i stood there, I didn't know how to move.
Where to run. How to get out of it.
I was happy. I enjoyed everything.
But deep inside, i knew it.. i was almost..almost.. in a pit of darkness..
And as i thought of it, i tried to look above.
Thinking maybe..just maybe...
i could find my way back home..
It was so fast. I can't even remember how i got there, AGAIN.
There were walls. Four of them.
I was in the middle.
I could see everything.
But this time, I'm not looking at the parties outside.
I'm viewing how beautiful inside.
He put walls, but they're broken.
He created door, but i have the key.
He had set the boundaries yet the freedom is still mine.
How i love to worship You.
How i love to be with You.
Until eternity.
WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?
New Challenge.
Can’t think right.
Indeed it’s a lot easier to choose between RIGHT and WRONG than to choose between RIGHT and RIGHT.
STAYING. Is it right? Of course! For the sake of my family.
LEAVING. Is it right? Uh, I think so..
For the sake of my call.
Around eight o’clock in the evening. I was on my way home. Riding on a jeepney, my phone suddenly rang.
ACACIA LANE. That’s the exact place where I was. Light turned red and the jeep stopped, and so I answered my phone. It was JoAnne.
Digi: Hello?
JoAnne: Hello!
..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..
Got it?
Yeah right, she offered me to work at Messiah.
Uh – again?
MESSIAH.
Whenever I hear of the phrase “working at Messiah”, I can only equate it to one word – MINISTRY.
OMG. No, it’s not for me. Definitely NOT.
..blah..blah..blah..complain..complain..complain..grumble..grumble..grumble..
And then came PROVERBS 23:17
Goodness gracious! Of all verses, why this???
..blah..blah..blah..pray..pray..pray..repent..repent..repent..
And NOW, here I am.
No turning back.
And so…
Goodbye TIP.
Hello MESSIAH. :)
[ oooops.. i’m excited! ]
