Ninety Nine
DG

I was once told, “If ever you feel neglected, just say ‘Ninety-Nine’”.

I was puzzled for a while but it was explained afterwards. 


Remember the parable of the lost sheep?

There was a sheep that got lost, and because the Shepherd loves him so much, He left the other 99 just to look for him.

The question is: Why did He leave the ninety-nine for the sake of ONE?

Then it was explained further, the Shepherd left the ninety-nine simply because He trusted them. He knows those ninety-nine are strong enough to protect themselves no matter what happens. He believes that they won’t get lost even without Him by their side. Unlike that one who got lost, they know how to get back where their Shepherd left them. That’s the ninety-nine, strong and trustworthy.. at least at the sight of their Shepherd.


And now I ask myself, am I ‘ninety-nine’?

Well, whether it’s true or not, that’s what they expect of me – strong and trustworthy.

But then, whenever I feel that I can’t be ‘ninety-nine’ anymore, I just have to say that magic word. And as I say it, I’m not saying that I am strong who can be left alone. I’m not saying that I can get back whenever I get lost. As I say that magic word, I’m shouting that I’m alone and helpless. I’m crying for help and mercy. I’m in need of a rescuer.

And now, I’m feeling so helpless. I’m feeling so alone and empty. I’m feeling so exhausted.

Lord, I once refused to say this.. but now I can’t help it..




"I’m NINETY-NINE.."


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CrossRoads
DG

“It’s easier to choose between RIGHT and WRONG than to choose between RIGHT and RIGHT.”

For so long, this fact has stayed a fact in my life. From the simple decisions of what to wear for the day, where to eat for dinner, how to spend slack time and when to listen to secular songs up to what message is the best for a Life Group meeting, where to go and share the gospel, how to raise funds for mission trips and when to give up personal dreams for the sake of God’s call.
                                   
Six years have passed and I thought I’ve known Him so well. Never had I realized that every day is a new day to discover a little secret from Him.

Today, June 24, 2011, is a rainy Friday. We’re supposed to have Champions Gathering at church with Ptr.Loi, but it was cancelled due to typhoon Falcon. So since I can’t go out, I decided to stay home and have a wonderful date with God. I haven’t realized that it was what I needed for a very long time.

It’s too difficult to speak out, eventhough I know He hears every single cry of my heart. It was so hard to let tears fall eventhough He knows how long I’ve been crying inside. It’s so heartbreaking.  It’s so.. I don’t know. I will never run out of words.. but I just can’t explain how God talks to me now. He’s so tender. He’s so compassionate. He’s so loving. He’s so gracious. I can’t say it enough.

As this year started, I’ve decided to gave my life to Him. But now I’m thinking if it’s really what He wants me to do. Two months passed since I was called “full-time”. And now, I’m in a big dilemma. What is it? Uhm, I can’t explain. Or better yet, it’s just between me and God.

I love Him with all my heart, soul and mind. But there are just things which make things mixed up. There will come a time when you don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong; you can’t decide when to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’; you don’t know if you should say ‘sorry’ or not; etcetera, etcetera..

And now, my annual sickness is coming thru me. What is that? Again, it’s just between me and God.
All I know is that He gave me this life, this wonderful life. Whether I see it as wonderful or not, it doesn’t matter. God sees it that way anyway. And His perspective is the only thing that matters.

No matter what this “situation” brings me, I know I’ll survive, I’ll stand up again and fight with my fists firmly holding the sword. I’ll run this race and finish strong. I can perfectly remember that I’ve said this line a year ago. But as I look back, that thing which made me say these words was just a small thing compared to what I’m going thru right now. And so maybe next year, if God allows to me live up to that time, I’ll be facing a larger one. And so, I’ve got to hold my shield as well.

The battle field is waiting for me to win this. I’m coming and I’ll be victorious.

And do you know what keeps me going?

His tender voice that says…






“That’s my girl..  strong and courageous!”

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Me and God
DG

This is the right way. I know.
Never go there. I won’t.
Stay beside me. I will.

Stop searching. I’m not.
Stop pretending. I’m not.
Stop lying.

Huh? Me? Oh, You’re barking at the wrong tree God.









God?



Hey! You left me again!



What now God? Where are You?



(whisper) God, still there? I’m afraid..



Okay I give up. You’re right.
But is it wrong? Is it a sin to pretend? I’m just protecting myself.



I can protect you.
From me? From my very own self? From my very own deceiving emotions?
Yes. Only if you will allow me.
I do allow You. It’s just.. I can’t control it. I can’t control my heart.
Because you didn’t surrender it.
I did!
WHOLLY?
Uhm, yeah.. I think so..
No. You didn’t. You don’t trust me.
I do!
WHOLLY?
Of course!
Then why do you panic?
What? Me? Of course not!
Are you sure? You can take it back. I mean your answer. Do you need life line?
Oh God, are you joking around?
I’m not. You are. You call me God but still you lie to me. I am God. I know everything, even the deepest part of your heart, I know it.
Yes, I know that.
So?
That’s why I surrender to You everything.
Okay. So now don’t panic.
I’m not.. Uh.. Uhm.. I mean, maybe a li’l bit.
 
You’re joking around.
(Sigh) Okay. Maybe I really am. And I don’t want it. You will help me, right?
Of course. I’m just here, as always.
Thank you God.



I love you, my child.
I love you, too.


I love you more.

(whisper) I know…


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Weirdo
DG

I had a dream, a WEIRD dream. And it’s one of the weirdest dreams I can vividly remember.

I met a man, a good looking young man. He was wearing black leather shoes, black pants and gray long sleeves with a blue tie. He looked like a young businessman who came across a noisy street looking for something he doesn’t even know.




“Hi Miss! Do you know the way going to Cubao?” and he smiled.

I stared at him.

“Huh?”

“Cubao, Miss. How can I get there? I’m not familiar with this place. I came from Muntinlupa City Jail.”

“City Jail?!”

He laughed softly. “Yeah, City Jail. Tumakas lang kasi ako eh.”

“Huh?!?” I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to laugh but he looked serious.

I got puzzled. 

“Tumakas ka lang? What do you mean?”

“I’m a prisoner. Oh no, WAS a prisoner.”

“You’re a prisoner…?” And I looked at him from head to toe. “With that suit?” (Was he Leviste transformed to a young handsome man? Hahaha)

He smiled again. “Yeah. I’m a prisoner with this nice suit.”

Silence.

“Miss, would you mind if I’ll go with you?”

I was stunned. And blankly, I said “Okay….”


We walked. And he asked some personal questions. (Those I can’t remember. I just know I felt weird while he was asking me.)

Then we stopped in a corner. There were so many people there.

“Here ( I pointed right ), this is the way to Cubao. And here ( I pointed left ), this is the way to Quiapo.”

I looked at him. He looked at the way going to Quiapo.

“Hey, I thought you’re to Cubao?”

He stared at me blankly. Then, he smiled again. (I never believed in “killer smile”. But I guess killer smiles do exist in dreams. Haha)

I couldn’t stand his dazzling smile so I looked away. And slowly, I said goodbye.
I walked away. But deep down, I was hoping he’d follow me.








Then suddenly, reality came in.


That dream was so clear, yet so obscure.

I ignored it but it was bothering me. I couldn’t understand why. It was just a silly dream. The genre? ROMANTIC COMEDY. Haha!

But now, I found the reason.

I don’t know where is that place in my dream. But I’m sure about one thing, it was crossroads.

I met a good looking man who looked so nice and decent, but he was not.
He said he wanted to go with me, he did.. but not for long.
He asked for direction, I gave it.. but he didn’t follow.


In life, it is just like this. People come, people go. And there will come a special one who would go your way, but couldn’t stand the reality of righteousness so he gives up. Another one will just bluff you, pretending he’s following but actually he’s not. And another is just totally insane. 

But I guess I’m more insane. Because no matter what happens, in the end, I’m still hoping he would follow even if he’s the wrong one.
 

And now as I remember, I smile.. I actually even laugh. 

That dream is so real.


And do you know what part I love the most? 

The ending.


I bid goodbye. I walked away.

And…




I NEVER LOOKED BACK.


( No matter what happens, just pursue the right way and you will never go wrong. )
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UNTITLED
DG
Everyone seemed excited.
“May 1 is your day.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“God bless your first day.”

Left and right, almost same phrases are heard. I got pressured.
And so I know, I have to quiet my soul.

Where am I?

Last week I was in Antique. We were seven in the team. We arrived there Thursday afternoon and left by Monday morning.
I enjoyed that mission trip. I enjoyed the ministry. But at the end of it, I got so excited to go back here in Manila and quiet my heart and soul before God. Kneel at His feet and ask Him to open my eyes to the things others can’t see, open my ears to the things others can’t hear and let me do the things others can’t do.


BIG DREAMS for God.
BIG VISION for His glory.



But, there’s just one second gap between April 30 and May 1. There would just be a very thin line between DG today and DG tomorrow.
I cannot change big time in one second. Everything is a process – a process I will always undergo.



Before May 1 comes April 30. Before I start a new chapter, an old one must be closed.

Where’s my heart?

I should know it. I should always know it. A lot of things to be changed in me. I may not know everything but at least I should know where’s my heart.

Here I am, kneeling before You oh God. And just one thing I will always tell You..


I AM YOURS.
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Don’t Push the Button, CONQUEST is ON!
DG

My clock is ticking. I can’t stop.
I can’t afford to stop. I CAN’T!



I’ve always dreamed about it.
I’ve always ask for it. Now is the time to do it.
Now is the time to fulfill it. NOW!



So PLEASE, don’t stop me.
Don’t let me go down.
Don’t make me feel alone. DON’T!



This is my DREAM. This is my GREATEST DREAM.
I’ve always told You, I cannot die without fulfilling this dream.
I can’t go without seeing them believing in You.
I can’t go without seeing them falling in love with You. I CAN’T.



Lord, this is my cry. From the deepest part of me..
You know this is my deepest desire..



You hold my life.
I will never know if You gonna get it back tomorrow.
So everyday, I’m gonna grab the chance.



BUT.. 
I NEED YOU to back me up.
I can’t do it alone. You know I can’t without You.




Don’t let me push the button.
I want this music of CONQUEST playing on…  
 and hear it play.. 
until the day You ask me to play.. 
another song..


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Who's Stealing the GLORY?
DG
                I was running.
                I looked back, He’s running after me.

Why? Does He need something from me?
Have I taken something from Him?

I tried to stop, but my feet kept on running. I looked at my feet, I noticed my shoes. Oh friend it’s so nice, it looks pretty much like the one I wanted to buy a week ago. It looks good with my feet. Oooh, maybe that’s the reason why I can’t stop.  
I FEEL GOOD.

I continued running. I’m tired but I couldn’t stop. I saw crossroads, I’ve read the signs. One way says, “HIS Way – dead end after one block”. The other says, “RIGHT Way – life goes on and on and on..”

While running I had to choose. I wanted to stop so I’ve decided to take “HIS Way”. But the very moment I reached the corner, my feet turned to the “RIGHT Way”. WHY? I got more confused. But I couldn’t do anything. I continued running.

Then I passed by a mirror. I saw my reflection. Cool, I haven’t noticed I was wearing a very nice pair of jacket and tight denims. Now I know why I didn’t choose HIS Way. I wanted to run more. I wanted to be seen more because I know.. 
I LOOK GOOD.

I continued running. I looked back again to see Him. He’s still running after me. He looked worried. I ran straight ahead. Then I saw a light. Suddenly my feet stopped. I held my breath. My heartbeat was so fast, I felt like I can’t breathe enough. I looked at the light, slowly it faded away. When it’s gone, I saw a big mirror. I saw my reflection once more. Then I saw Him too. I looked back to see Him personally.

There He was – sweaty, tired, and.. crying?

I looked at the mirror again. I looked at my reflection from head to toe. The jacket.. denims.. shoes.. They made me feel good, look good.

BUT, they weren’t MINE.


I felt His hand on my shoulder. Then, His embrace.


“My child, I will give everything you need. But these things don’t belong to you. See? You’re wearing a pair of shoes which can’t stop. It led you to the wrong way. You didn’t choose “HIS Way” which was MY Way.. you didn’t choose it because you wanted MORE.. MORE limelight, MORE applause.. MORE praises..

But did you notice? Because you chose the “RIGHT Way”, you just ended up so tired. It may be the right way, but it’s not the BEST. My way will always be the best for you, my child. Now, give them back to me. Underneath is more beautiful. Believe Me, have FAITH in Me..”


Slowly, I looked at Him. And one by one, I put all of them off.. jacket, denims,shoes.. 

And TRUE enough, underneath is MORE BEAUTIFUL. A dress made just for me.  
JUST FOR ME.

I gave Him back what I used to wear.. what I used to love. THEY WEREN’T MINE.

ALL of those which gave me applause.. praises.. those which made me feel good.. look good..
They weren’t mine. I STOLE THEM.


Now, the true owner is running after me. Weird, He shouldn’t do it.

BUT, He did it for me.

For a ROBBER like me. 

For a SINNER like me.


I was chasing my FAME. But sadly, at the expense of His GLORY. 
Now, He’s chasing His.

I’ve given back what I’ve stolen. BUT, it was just a part of it.. a TINY part of His glory. A big part is still missing.


Who’s stealing the glory?




Check it out my friend.  You might be one of them.




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just so YOU know
DG

Just so You know I won’t give up..
Just so You know I won’t stop fighting..
Just so You know I won’t get lost..
Just so You know I won’t stop trying..

JUST SO YOU KNOW..
I WON’T..



BUT..

Just so You know I feel down..
Just so You know I feel low..
Just so You know I feel empty..
Just so You know I feel alone..
 
JUST SO YOU KNOW..
I FEEL..



BUT..

Just so You know I know You won’t fail me..
Just so You know I know You won’t let me down..
Just so You know I know You won’t stop loving me..
Just so You know I know You won’t leave me..



JUST SO YOU KNOW..

I KNOW..

YOU WON’T..




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Ika-dalawampu't dalawa ng Pebrero
DG
[ the continuation.. ]



“Maaari kang iwan ng lahat.. kaibigan mo, mahal mo, pamilya mo.. lahat sila, maaaring dumating ang araw na susuko sila at iiwan ka.. pero Ako? Hinding hindi Ko yun gagawin sa’yo.. hinding hindi kita iiwan..”


Hindi ko yun malilimutan.
Ika-labintatlo ng Pebrero, yun ang ibinulong Nya sa’kin. Pero siyam na araw pa ang lumipas bago ko tinanggap ang katotohanang iyon. Pero parte siguro ng dahilan ay hindi ko kayang tumalikod sa kung ano ang nakagisnan ko na. Mga bagay na parang kaakibat na ng buong pagkatao ko. Isa pa, anong sasabihin ng magulang ko? Masyado yatang malaking issue ang magpalit ng relihiyon.

Pero gusto ko eh. Ayaw ko na sa dating ako. Ayaw ko na sa dating buhay na gusto ko. Ayaw ko na. Bago ang gusto ko. Bagong buhay na may bagong kasama. At ang gusto ko, Diyos ang kasama ko. Wala akong iiwan, pero maraming magbabago.

Laking simbahan kasi ako eh. Bata pa lang ako, tuwang tuwa na sa’kin mga katekista. Ang bait ko daw kasi. Haha! Biro lang. Lagi kasi akong uma-attend ng bible study. Kahit summer, hindi ko yun pinapalampas. Kaya nga rin bata pa lang ako marami na akong tanong. Mga tanong na hindi mabigyang linaw. Mga tanong na minsan hindi halos masagot. 

Eh pa’no yan, nakita ko na ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko. DIYOS. Yun lang. Siya lang. Kahit pa gaano karami ang tanong ko, Siya pa ring ang sagot. Ang dami-dami kasing tinuro eh. Karamihan hindi ko makita sa bible. Yun tuloy, hindi nila masagot ang mga follow-up questions ko. Pasensya na lang, matanong ako eh.




Yun nga lang, katumbas nun ay ang paglayo sa nakagisnan kong relihiyon. 

Naisip ko, nabuhay pala ako na may “second hand faith”. Okay lang naman ang second hand di ba? Parang sa mga materyal na bagay na meron tayo. Wala namang masama sa pagbili ng second hand. Pero kung papipiliin ka, second hand o brand new? Yung ipapabili sa iba o yung ikaw mismo ang bibili at pipili? Syempre, brand new is better. And your own choice will be the best choice. Syempre, gamit mo yun eh. Ikaw ang makikinabang, ikaw ang mag-aalaga. Eh paano pagdating sa “paniniwala” o “pananampalataya”? Hindi ba dapat yun ang pinaka-importanteng bagay sa buhay mo na pagdedesisyunan mo? Kaya dapat lang na hindi yun “second hand”. At dapat ikaw mismo ang kumilatis at pumili. 



At sige, dagdagan pa natin ng ibang analogy. Kumbaga kasi sa kotse, paniniwala mo ang magiging manibela. Yun ang panghahawakan mo at magdadala sayo sa tamang direksyon. Eh paano kung mali ang pinili mong  direksyon? Eh di mali ang pihit ng manibela? Anong susunod? Alangan namang pipihit ang manibela sa kaliwa tapos ang gulong tutungo sa kanan? Imposible. If it’s left, it’s left. And so, we should turn to the RIGHT direction. Pero ang paniniwala, manibela lang. Ang pinakaimportante, sino at saan nanggaling ang pihit ng manibela. Sa madaling salita, sino ang “driver”. Kung tama ang pipiliin mong driver, tama panigurado ang pihit ng manibela. At sino ba dapat ang may hawak ng manibela? Di ba dapat si Kristo? Pero ang masama, pag inakala mong napili mo ang tamang driver, at inisip mo tuloy na tama ang takbo ng  buhay mo. Pero may mga mapanlinlang palang tsuper na nagtatago lang sa pangalang “kristo”.


Sabi sa Romans 12:2,

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” 

Gusto natin ng “good”, “acceptable” at “perfect”. Pero paano yun mangyayari kung wala munang “transformation”? At paano mangyayari ang transformation kung walang “renewal of mind”? At paano mangyayari ang sinasabing renewal of mind kung umaayon lang tayo sa takbo ng nakapaligid sa’tin? Kaya kailangang piliing mabuti kung sino pakikinggan, susundin, tutularan.. kung sinong magpapatakbo ng buhay natin.


Ika-dalawampu’t dalawa ng Pebrero, 2005. 

Pinili ko kung sinong pakikinggan, susundin at tutularan.. kung sinong magpapatakbo ng buhay ko. Si Kristo. Siya lang ang nakakaalam ng tama at mali para sa’kin. Kung anuman ang “good”, “acceptable” at “perfect”, Siya lang ang makakapaghatid sa’kin patungo do’n.

At pagdating ng kamatayan ko, alam ko may naghihintay sa’king buhay na walang hanggan. At doon, Siya ang makakasama ko. Hindi relihiyon o kung ano-ano pa ang kailangang subukan. Siguro nga minsan kasama yun, pero sa huli, hindi rin yun ang kailangan natin para maligtas at magkaroon ng buhay na walang hanggan.


 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” -  JOHN 3:16



So pa’no Lord, Happy 6th Anniversary sa’tin! Saka, Happy Birthday naman sa’kin. Haha!






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Ika-labintatlo ng Pebrero
DG
Bukas, araw daw ng  PAG-IBIG. Kahit saan nga ako lumingon, hindi nawawala ang kulay pula at pati na rin mga kung ano-anong mga bagay na hugis puso. Kahit saan din ako magpunta, ang daming “lovers”. Sabagay, kahit naman hindi Pebrero nagkalat ang mga mag-sweethearts. And kekeso pa. Kainis. Haha! hindi naman ako bitter, nagsasabi lang ng totoo. Ika nga sa ingles, “I’m just stating a fact.” Haha.

Pero higit sa bukas, mas mahalaga ang ngayon. Bakit? Teka lang…

Maaga akong gumising, tapos nagtext ako kay Jo Anne: “Pwede bang magdala ng bag?” Tapos yun, pwede naman daw. Kung anong laman ng bag ko, yun ang hindi ko matandaan. Nagkita kami sa kung saan tapos deretso sa Recto. Lao-enteng, yun ang building na hinanap namin. Akyat kami sa third floor, tapos nakilala ko si kuya Aga, este kuya Noel pala. Tapos, nakilala ko rin sila ate Melai, Janice, KR, Rose Jean, Dang at napakarami pang iba. Yun, yun ang unang pagtapak ng paa ko sa ikalawang tahanan ng puso ko – HORIZON.

Akalain mo nga naman, anim na taon na pala ang nakalipas. Parang kailan lang. Parang kailan lang nung una ko silang makilala. Hinding-hindi ko yun malilimutan.

Ika-labintatlo ng Pebrero, 2005.

Unang beses akong bumati saKanya ng “Happy Hearts’ Day”. Ngayon, Velentine’s na naman..
Sabi ni JoAnne kay kuya Jai, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Love.” Eh ako, Lord? Kailan ako babati ng ganun na may “love” rin sa dulo? Haha. ‘Di bale, pwede namang bumati ng “Happy Valentine’s Day” lang.
Ikaw? May bumati na ba sa’yo? Sige, batiin na kita, 


“Happy Valentine’s Day! May your heart be full of love.”


Oh yan, may “love” pa rin sa dulo. Next time sasabihin ko rin yan sa isang tao.. pero aalisin ko na ‘yung “may your heart be full of..” NEXT TIME.

Sa ngayon, reminisce ko muna ang unang beses kong nakilala ang pinaka-dakilang mangingibig ko. Pero sa totoo lang, nung araw na yun hindi ko pa talaga SIYA kinilala. Natatakot ako eh. Baka kasi marami Siyang maging demands sa’kin. Saka pati na rin, baka masaktan lang ako. Pero hinding hindi ko malilimutan ang sinabi Niya nung araw na yun.. Nakatatak na yun sa puso ko….



[ to be continued… ]




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