I really can't understand myself why i read "man against himself". Its basically a psychological book that talks about why do people commit suicide. Am i in this situation? Do i have that tendency of killing myself?? Oh, no. Definitely NOT. Well, at least that's the answer from my brain, from my almost crippled brain.
Now, i just realized that it's really painful to be silent. I never realized it until this day that i wanna burst into tears and wish i could just die and leave everything behind. Why? Why do i have to feel such agony of being alone? I know i am not. There are many out there. Willing to listen. Willing to help. But why? Why can't i just open up and say everything that's in my heart? Why can't i just cry and even shout if i have to? Why can't i do such things?
Even though i know i must go on, why do i feel so tired of it?
And even though i know i'll never be alone, why do i continue to feel so?
I never dare ask You these questions. I know i should not. I know there are answers to all my questions and there are "because" to all of my "whys". But when would i know them? When would You reveal them to me? I'm getting tired of going on with so many questions in my mind. And now i feel like it would explode into pieces and I'm worried I'll never get it whole again. It's a crap. I'm going crazy.
Now HOW? If i can't ask You WHY, then at least tell me HOW.
How will i go on? How will i continue doing things that would make You smile when i myself can't find anymore the reasons to do it. I'm getting tired of this. I always ask You to give me strength. But why do i have to feel such pain of waiting in vain? am i Lord? Am i? Gee, i know i am not...
I know i can go on. Ironic isn't it? I'm tired and fed up but i still believe i can go on.
Well definitely, that's because i know You will always be there.
My mind might get crippled. My heart might get weary. But my faith won't.
I'll be still.
I'll run the race.
And I'll finish strong.
I know i will...
Now, i just realized that it's really painful to be silent. I never realized it until this day that i wanna burst into tears and wish i could just die and leave everything behind. Why? Why do i have to feel such agony of being alone? I know i am not. There are many out there. Willing to listen. Willing to help. But why? Why can't i just open up and say everything that's in my heart? Why can't i just cry and even shout if i have to? Why can't i do such things?
Even though i know i must go on, why do i feel so tired of it?
And even though i know i'll never be alone, why do i continue to feel so?
I never dare ask You these questions. I know i should not. I know there are answers to all my questions and there are "because" to all of my "whys". But when would i know them? When would You reveal them to me? I'm getting tired of going on with so many questions in my mind. And now i feel like it would explode into pieces and I'm worried I'll never get it whole again. It's a crap. I'm going crazy.
Now HOW? If i can't ask You WHY, then at least tell me HOW.
How will i go on? How will i continue doing things that would make You smile when i myself can't find anymore the reasons to do it. I'm getting tired of this. I always ask You to give me strength. But why do i have to feel such pain of waiting in vain? am i Lord? Am i? Gee, i know i am not...
I know i can go on. Ironic isn't it? I'm tired and fed up but i still believe i can go on.
Well definitely, that's because i know You will always be there.
My mind might get crippled. My heart might get weary. But my faith won't.
I'll be still.
I'll run the race.
And I'll finish strong.
I know i will...
