Deuteronomy 29
DG


Five years have passed. I haven't felt it. I didn't expect it will last this long.
HAPPY ME. :)

But how about You? Are You Happy? Well, I know You are.
But also, I know I've hurt You that much.

And now, I don't know what path I'm taking.
I do not know where should I go.
I do not know what should I think about.
And this became my favorite word - "WHY?"
And my favorite phrase - "I don't know."

Now, I can only think of one.
Has our covenant expired?
I know it should not. NEVER.
But if ever it has, I appeal for renewal.

I know You'd be glad to sign it.
But can i ask for a favor?
Can You please hold my hand as i sign it?
At least I would feel that I'll never be alone on this job.

And one last thing.
Can You hug me?
I missed You.
I've broke so many promises.
I've turned away many times.
Will You still love me?

[ sigh.. ]
I know You will.

..and I will.. too.



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Broken Mirror
DG

nine eighteen of ten.
twenty three eleven at my watch.
dark. quiet. empty.

i heard it once more. i couldn't stand it.
i couldn't stand every tear.
she's hurting. i know. but i couldn't do anything.
i asked her why. she didn't answer.
slowly, she looked at me.
then, she smiled.

she's my friend - happy, jolly, high-spirited, always on the go.
that what she is - OUTSIDE.
but going beyond that is a lonely soul.
digging a little bit deeper is a broken spirit.

i always want to take care of her.
to keep her away from any pain.
but i couldn't. i could never.

"do you love me?" she whispered.
i looked at her. and slowly, i looked down again.
do i love her? of course!
but do i really love her? do i?!
if yes, she shouldn't be hurting like this.
if yes, she must be happy as she should be.
if yes, she must not be asking this question at me.

but she's hurting. she's not happy. and she's questioning my love.

now, i don't know how to answer.
do i really love her?
have i given her the right amount of love?
or have i just mistaken pity for love?

she should be happy. she should really be.
but i'm making things hard for her.
i'm making things complicated.


"i will make it up.. i will.."


it's not easy. i know.
but i'll do everything to make her smile again.
she has faked it a lot of times.
but i want to see a genuine one this time.
it's not easy. but a genuine love for her might suffice.
at least i will try.
besides, it's the only thing i can start with.

to give her the right amount of love.
the LOVE that SHE DESERVES.
the LOVE that SHE NEEDS.




oh by the way, my friend's name is...


- digi -





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when my chip has fallen...
DG
When You said "no", i followed. When You said "stop", i stopped. When You said "wait", i did.
But then, my miracle came. I never thought such would come in a time like this. I wanted to ask WHY, again.
But i couldn't. I know i just have to follow.. YOU. Not me, not anyone else, not even my miracle.
But then again, i failed. I fell on a trap.

Confused? Yes, i am.
Now? Yeah, not later, not a while ago. NOW.
Hurting? Maybe.
Bitter? Nah. I hope not.

I said i'll wait. I'm willing. Yes of course i am. But... goodness! It hurts..
My heart cries. But my eyes aren't. I'm even laughing. God, i'm going insane.

I can't. I can't afford to be hurt again. No, not this time. I'm not prepared.
I tried to stop. I even asked You to stop me, to help me. But You didn't answer.
And so.. and so..
I THOUGHT IT'S FINE.

No, I really can't accept this. No.. Can my heart be numb for a while?
Can my heart just stop beating? Can my mind just stop thinking?
God! I'm going crazy!

Had i not fallen this deep, would it be easier?
Would it hurt less?
I just did it, the way i thought  You want me to do it.
I just followed, the way i thought i should be.

But then again, i failed.
I'm hurting. Just like the way before.
No, it hurts more.
And to make things more painful, my miracle doesn't know.
And worst, it doesn't care.

Should i stop?
I have a lot of things to do, to think about, to preprare for.
If it's not Your will, can You just pull it back?
If it's not what You want, can it just leave me alone?
If it'll just hurt me, i dont' want it.
If it'll just kill me, i can't accept it.

But, was it my fault?
Oh yeah, it was. It really was.
I can never blame You. Never.


And now it really hurts..
It really really hurts..


However, i can still stand.
And even if i won't get anything in return..
I know..


I just have to love more..


I can. I will.


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