when my chip has fallen...
DG
When You said "no", i followed. When You said "stop", i stopped. When You said "wait", i did.
But then, my miracle came. I never thought such would come in a time like this. I wanted to ask WHY, again.
But i couldn't. I know i just have to follow.. YOU. Not me, not anyone else, not even my miracle.
But then again, i failed. I fell on a trap.

Confused? Yes, i am.
Now? Yeah, not later, not a while ago. NOW.
Hurting? Maybe.
Bitter? Nah. I hope not.

I said i'll wait. I'm willing. Yes of course i am. But... goodness! It hurts..
My heart cries. But my eyes aren't. I'm even laughing. God, i'm going insane.

I can't. I can't afford to be hurt again. No, not this time. I'm not prepared.
I tried to stop. I even asked You to stop me, to help me. But You didn't answer.
And so.. and so..
I THOUGHT IT'S FINE.

No, I really can't accept this. No.. Can my heart be numb for a while?
Can my heart just stop beating? Can my mind just stop thinking?
God! I'm going crazy!

Had i not fallen this deep, would it be easier?
Would it hurt less?
I just did it, the way i thought  You want me to do it.
I just followed, the way i thought i should be.

But then again, i failed.
I'm hurting. Just like the way before.
No, it hurts more.
And to make things more painful, my miracle doesn't know.
And worst, it doesn't care.

Should i stop?
I have a lot of things to do, to think about, to preprare for.
If it's not Your will, can You just pull it back?
If it's not what You want, can it just leave me alone?
If it'll just hurt me, i dont' want it.
If it'll just kill me, i can't accept it.

But, was it my fault?
Oh yeah, it was. It really was.
I can never blame You. Never.


And now it really hurts..
It really really hurts..


However, i can still stand.
And even if i won't get anything in return..
I know..


I just have to love more..


I can. I will.


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Unchain my heart, it's bleeding..
DG

I really can't understand myself why i read "man against himself". Its basically a psychological book that talks about why do people commit suicide. Am i in this situation? Do i have that tendency of killing myself?? Oh, no. Definitely NOT. Well, at least that's the answer from my brain, from my almost crippled brain.


Now, i just realized that it's really painful to be silent. I never realized it until this day that i wanna burst into tears and wish i could just die and leave everything behind. Why? Why do i have to feel such agony of being alone? I know i am not. There are many out there. Willing to listen. Willing to help. But why? Why can't i just open up and say everything that's in my heart? Why can't i just cry and even shout if i have to? Why can't i do such things?


Even though i know i must go on, why do i feel so tired of it?
And even though i know i'll never be alone, why do i continue to feel so?


I never dare ask You these questions. I know i should not. I know there are answers to all my questions and there are "because" to all of my "whys". But when would i know them? When would You reveal them to me? I'm getting tired of going on with so many questions in my mind. And now i feel like it would explode into pieces and I'm worried I'll never get it whole again. It's a crap. I'm going crazy.


Now HOW? If i can't ask You WHY, then at least tell me HOW.
How will i go on? How will i continue doing things that would make You smile when i myself can't find anymore the reasons to do it. I'm getting tired of this. I always ask You to give me strength. But why do i have to feel such pain of waiting in vain? am i Lord? Am i? Gee, i know i am not...




I know i can go on. Ironic isn't it? I'm tired and fed up but i still believe i can go on.
Well definitely, that's because i know You will always be there.
My mind might get crippled. My heart might get weary. But my faith won't.






I'll be still.


I'll run the race. 


And I'll finish strong.




I know i will...


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- prisoner of FREEDOM -
DG


There were walls. Four of them.


I was in the middle.


I could see everything outside - parties, celebrations. People were so happy.
I couldn't help but be thrilled to wander.
I know there were walls, but i was determined to destroy them.


One, two, three..and i found myself outside. Oh how easy it was to break them.


As i stood there, i felt freedom.
I wanted to go a little bit farther, believing i will never get lost.
One step at a time. One moment at a time.
And i enjoyed it.




Then suddenly, I've realized i am nowhere but at a slum.
Hot, crowded, noisy, annoying.


I was in the middle.


And as i stood there, I didn't know how to move.
Where to run. How to get out of it.
I was happy. I enjoyed everything.
But deep inside, i knew it.. i was almost..almost.. in a pit of darkness..


And as i thought of it, i tried to look above.
Thinking maybe..just maybe...
i could find my way back home..




It was so fast. I can't even remember how i got there, AGAIN.


There were walls. Four of them.


I was in the middle.


I could see everything.
But this time, I'm not looking at the parties outside.
I'm viewing how beautiful inside.






He put walls, but they're broken.
He created door, but i have the key.
He had set the boundaries yet the freedom is still mine.






How i love to worship You.
How i love to be with You.
Until eternity.











WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?



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Eeenie Meenie Miney Mo
DG
New Challenge.
Can’t think right.


Indeed it’s a lot easier to choose between RIGHT and WRONG than to choose between RIGHT and RIGHT.


STAYING. Is it right? Of course! For the sake of my family.
LEAVING. Is it right? Uh, I think so..
For the sake of my call.



Around eight o’clock in the evening. I was on my way home. Riding on a jeepney, my phone suddenly rang.
ACACIA LANE. That’s the exact place where I was. Light turned red and the jeep stopped, and so I answered my phone. It was JoAnne.

Digi: Hello?
JoAnne: Hello!

..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..blah..


Got it?
Yeah right, she offered me to work at Messiah.
Uh – again?
MESSIAH.
Whenever I hear of the phrase “working at Messiah”, I can only equate it to one word – MINISTRY.


OMG. No, it’s not for me. Definitely NOT.

..blah..blah..blah..complain..complain..complain..grumble..grumble..grumble..


And then came PROVERBS 23:17
Goodness gracious! Of all verses, why this???

..blah..blah..blah..pray..pray..pray..repent..repent..repent..



And NOW, here I am.
No turning back.
And so…



Goodbye TIP.
Hello MESSIAH. :)






[ oooops.. i’m excited! ]




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"D" Day :)
DG


This is my day.

His day.

OUR day!
I took it. But only His name proved it…

- May 19, 2009-



 I mark this day. It’s a very special one.
     4 years        – suffering

    

      6 months    – preparing
  
   4 days         – fulfilling







And today, I got it.
He got it.
WE got it!
The title is mine.  The glory is His.


 With all humility and bringing forth all the glory to God.
I’m very proud to say…

- CPA na po ako! -













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Shake It OFF!
DG


“How could you Digi?! You’re in the middle of your review.. a week after will be your final preboard. Are you out of your mind?? Does the license still matter to you? Come on Dij, think again.. PLEASE..”

Uh-oh. WARFARE. I know.
Good thing my angel had won. Haha!


HOLY WEEK. I thought it’s a long vacation, and so my family thought I’d be going home.
But I discovered it’s not, and so my review-mates thought I’d be off to school.
Oh well, either way, I’d be off to Antique.
Again? Antique.
Yeah, you’ve read it right. ANTIQUE. Cool isn’t it?



First day      -        Pastors’ Seminar slash Youths’ Gathering
Second day  -        Medical Mission slash Evangelism
Third day     -        Medical Mission slash Evangelism
Fourth day   -        R and R. Woohoo!



Oh yeah, it’s a MISSION TRIP.
A very tiring yet fulfilling mission trip.




Wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning and go to bed at 1 o’clock in the morning…. Ano daw? Haha. [ Gising ka na ng alas singko ng umaga at matulog ka ng alauna ng madaling araw.. ng susunod na araw. Gets? ]
Four hours of sleep after an exhausting  day? Talk about being zombies. Haha.

Devotion.
Preparation.
Breakfast.
Ministry.
Lunch.
Nap. Oh wait, nap?? Haha, yeah I did. [ and I almost forgot to wake up… XD ]
Ministry.
Dinner.
Fellowship.
Pray.
Sleep.


And that was indeed an amazing mission trip! Can’t express it enough.
Believers showing off their faith in the midst of poverty.

Non-believers getting to know Christ. People came for check-ups and medicines and they went home covered by the blood of of Jesus Christ.

Every sweat was compensated more than enough! People’s smiles and “thank you’s” can’t be exchanged for anything.



AMAZING GOD we have. And AWESOME GOD He will forever be!


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L-I-F-E
DG

it is so painful…
why?
i don’t know….


in every aspect of my life, pain is always present..it is always there.
it always crashes me, puts me to the limit and pushes me to the quitting line..
but the more it pursue me, the more it becomes adventurous..
and it makes me crash myself thru it…
feel the agony.. see my heart bleeding..
until i see the light..
and see the beauty of the One who created me…

 i used to think pains and hurts will do nothing in me..
but now i realized a life without it is not a life at all…


it is so painful..
why?
–because it sharpens my soul–



this is me..
this is my life..
– a cycle of ups and downs..
– a journey of pains and joys..
– a ladder of failures and success..


i live it..
i create it..
i write it..


and the most thrilling part: 
      i’m using my pencil..
and the wisest decision i could ever make: 
     give God the eraser and pen..

my life is His…
whose is yours?




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