DG
Everyone seemed excited.
“May 1 is your day.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“God bless your first day.”

Left and right, almost same phrases are heard. I got pressured.
And so I know, I have to quiet my soul.

Where am I?

Last week I was in Antique. We were seven in the team. We arrived there Thursday afternoon and left by Monday morning.
I enjoyed that mission trip. I enjoyed the ministry. But at the end of it, I got so excited to go back here in Manila and quiet my heart and soul before God. Kneel at His feet and ask Him to open my eyes to the things others can’t see, open my ears to the things others can’t hear and let me do the things others can’t do.


BIG DREAMS for God.
BIG VISION for His glory.



But, there’s just one second gap between April 30 and May 1. There would just be a very thin line between DG today and DG tomorrow.
I cannot change big time in one second. Everything is a process – a process I will always undergo.



Before May 1 comes April 30. Before I start a new chapter, an old one must be closed.

Where’s my heart?

I should know it. I should always know it. A lot of things to be changed in me. I may not know everything but at least I should know where’s my heart.

Here I am, kneeling before You oh God. And just one thing I will always tell You..


I AM YOURS.
DG

My clock is ticking. I can’t stop.
I can’t afford to stop. I CAN’T!



I’ve always dreamed about it.
I’ve always ask for it. Now is the time to do it.
Now is the time to fulfill it. NOW!



So PLEASE, don’t stop me.
Don’t let me go down.
Don’t make me feel alone. DON’T!



This is my DREAM. This is my GREATEST DREAM.
I’ve always told You, I cannot die without fulfilling this dream.
I can’t go without seeing them believing in You.
I can’t go without seeing them falling in love with You. I CAN’T.



Lord, this is my cry. From the deepest part of me..
You know this is my deepest desire..



You hold my life.
I will never know if You gonna get it back tomorrow.
So everyday, I’m gonna grab the chance.



BUT.. 
I NEED YOU to back me up.
I can’t do it alone. You know I can’t without You.




Don’t let me push the button.
I want this music of CONQUEST playing on…  
 and hear it play.. 
until the day You ask me to play.. 
another song..


DG
                I was running.
                I looked back, He’s running after me.

Why? Does He need something from me?
Have I taken something from Him?

I tried to stop, but my feet kept on running. I looked at my feet, I noticed my shoes. Oh friend it’s so nice, it looks pretty much like the one I wanted to buy a week ago. It looks good with my feet. Oooh, maybe that’s the reason why I can’t stop.  
I FEEL GOOD.

I continued running. I’m tired but I couldn’t stop. I saw crossroads, I’ve read the signs. One way says, “HIS Way – dead end after one block”. The other says, “RIGHT Way – life goes on and on and on..”

While running I had to choose. I wanted to stop so I’ve decided to take “HIS Way”. But the very moment I reached the corner, my feet turned to the “RIGHT Way”. WHY? I got more confused. But I couldn’t do anything. I continued running.

Then I passed by a mirror. I saw my reflection. Cool, I haven’t noticed I was wearing a very nice pair of jacket and tight denims. Now I know why I didn’t choose HIS Way. I wanted to run more. I wanted to be seen more because I know.. 
I LOOK GOOD.

I continued running. I looked back again to see Him. He’s still running after me. He looked worried. I ran straight ahead. Then I saw a light. Suddenly my feet stopped. I held my breath. My heartbeat was so fast, I felt like I can’t breathe enough. I looked at the light, slowly it faded away. When it’s gone, I saw a big mirror. I saw my reflection once more. Then I saw Him too. I looked back to see Him personally.

There He was – sweaty, tired, and.. crying?

I looked at the mirror again. I looked at my reflection from head to toe. The jacket.. denims.. shoes.. They made me feel good, look good.

BUT, they weren’t MINE.


I felt His hand on my shoulder. Then, His embrace.


“My child, I will give everything you need. But these things don’t belong to you. See? You’re wearing a pair of shoes which can’t stop. It led you to the wrong way. You didn’t choose “HIS Way” which was MY Way.. you didn’t choose it because you wanted MORE.. MORE limelight, MORE applause.. MORE praises..

But did you notice? Because you chose the “RIGHT Way”, you just ended up so tired. It may be the right way, but it’s not the BEST. My way will always be the best for you, my child. Now, give them back to me. Underneath is more beautiful. Believe Me, have FAITH in Me..”


Slowly, I looked at Him. And one by one, I put all of them off.. jacket, denims,shoes.. 

And TRUE enough, underneath is MORE BEAUTIFUL. A dress made just for me.  
JUST FOR ME.

I gave Him back what I used to wear.. what I used to love. THEY WEREN’T MINE.

ALL of those which gave me applause.. praises.. those which made me feel good.. look good..
They weren’t mine. I STOLE THEM.


Now, the true owner is running after me. Weird, He shouldn’t do it.

BUT, He did it for me.

For a ROBBER like me. 

For a SINNER like me.


I was chasing my FAME. But sadly, at the expense of His GLORY
Now, He’s chasing His.

I’ve given back what I’ve stolen. BUT, it was just a part of it.. a TINY part of His glory. A big part is still missing.


Who’s stealing the glory?




Check it out my friend.  You might be one of them.






DG

Just so You know I won’t give up..
Just so You know I won’t stop fighting..
Just so You know I won’t get lost..
Just so You know I won’t stop trying..

JUST SO YOU KNOW..
I WON’T..



BUT..

Just so You know I feel down..
Just so You know I feel low..
Just so You know I feel empty..
Just so You know I feel alone..
 
JUST SO YOU KNOW..
I FEEL..



BUT..

Just so You know I know You won’t fail me..
Just so You know I know You won’t let me down..
Just so You know I know You won’t stop loving me..
Just so You know I know You won’t leave me..



JUST SO YOU KNOW..

I KNOW..

YOU WON’T..




DG
[ the continuation.. ]



“Maaari kang iwan ng lahat.. kaibigan mo, mahal mo, pamilya mo.. lahat sila, maaaring dumating ang araw na susuko sila at iiwan ka.. pero Ako? Hinding hindi Ko yun gagawin sa’yo.. hinding hindi kita iiwan..”


Hindi ko yun malilimutan.
Ika-labintatlo ng Pebrero, yun ang ibinulong Nya sa’kin. Pero siyam na araw pa ang lumipas bago ko tinanggap ang katotohanang iyon. Pero parte siguro ng dahilan ay hindi ko kayang tumalikod sa kung ano ang nakagisnan ko na. Mga bagay na parang kaakibat na ng buong pagkatao ko. Isa pa, anong sasabihin ng magulang ko? Masyado yatang malaking issue ang magpalit ng relihiyon.

Pero gusto ko eh. Ayaw ko na sa dating ako. Ayaw ko na sa dating buhay na gusto ko. Ayaw ko na. Bago ang gusto ko. Bagong buhay na may bagong kasama. At ang gusto ko, Diyos ang kasama ko. Wala akong iiwan, pero maraming magbabago.

Laking simbahan kasi ako eh. Bata pa lang ako, tuwang tuwa na sa’kin mga katekista. Ang bait ko daw kasi. Haha! Biro lang. Lagi kasi akong uma-attend ng bible study. Kahit summer, hindi ko yun pinapalampas. Kaya nga rin bata pa lang ako marami na akong tanong. Mga tanong na hindi mabigyang linaw. Mga tanong na minsan hindi halos masagot. 

Eh pa’no yan, nakita ko na ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko. DIYOS. Yun lang. Siya lang. Kahit pa gaano karami ang tanong ko, Siya pa ring ang sagot. Ang dami-dami kasing tinuro eh. Karamihan hindi ko makita sa bible. Yun tuloy, hindi nila masagot ang mga follow-up questions ko. Pasensya na lang, matanong ako eh.




Yun nga lang, katumbas nun ay ang paglayo sa nakagisnan kong relihiyon. 

Naisip ko, nabuhay pala ako na may “second hand faith”. Okay lang naman ang second hand di ba? Parang sa mga materyal na bagay na meron tayo. Wala namang masama sa pagbili ng second hand. Pero kung papipiliin ka, second hand o brand new? Yung ipapabili sa iba o yung ikaw mismo ang bibili at pipili? Syempre, brand new is better. And your own choice will be the best choice. Syempre, gamit mo yun eh. Ikaw ang makikinabang, ikaw ang mag-aalaga. Eh paano pagdating sa “paniniwala” o “pananampalataya”? Hindi ba dapat yun ang pinaka-importanteng bagay sa buhay mo na pagdedesisyunan mo? Kaya dapat lang na hindi yun “second hand”. At dapat ikaw mismo ang kumilatis at pumili. 



At sige, dagdagan pa natin ng ibang analogy. Kumbaga kasi sa kotse, paniniwala mo ang magiging manibela. Yun ang panghahawakan mo at magdadala sayo sa tamang direksyon. Eh paano kung mali ang pinili mong  direksyon? Eh di mali ang pihit ng manibela? Anong susunod? Alangan namang pipihit ang manibela sa kaliwa tapos ang gulong tutungo sa kanan? Imposible. If it’s left, it’s left. And so, we should turn to the RIGHT direction. Pero ang paniniwala, manibela lang. Ang pinakaimportante, sino at saan nanggaling ang pihit ng manibela. Sa madaling salita, sino ang “driver”. Kung tama ang pipiliin mong driver, tama panigurado ang pihit ng manibela. At sino ba dapat ang may hawak ng manibela? Di ba dapat si Kristo? Pero ang masama, pag inakala mong napili mo ang tamang driver, at inisip mo tuloy na tama ang takbo ng  buhay mo. Pero may mga mapanlinlang palang tsuper na nagtatago lang sa pangalang “kristo”.


Sabi sa Romans 12:2,

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” 

Gusto natin ng “good”, “acceptable” at “perfect”. Pero paano yun mangyayari kung wala munang “transformation”? At paano mangyayari ang transformation kung walang “renewal of mind”? At paano mangyayari ang sinasabing renewal of mind kung umaayon lang tayo sa takbo ng nakapaligid sa’tin? Kaya kailangang piliing mabuti kung sino pakikinggan, susundin, tutularan.. kung sinong magpapatakbo ng buhay natin.


Ika-dalawampu’t dalawa ng Pebrero, 2005. 

Pinili ko kung sinong pakikinggan, susundin at tutularan.. kung sinong magpapatakbo ng buhay ko. Si Kristo. Siya lang ang nakakaalam ng tama at mali para sa’kin. Kung anuman ang “good”, “acceptable” at “perfect”, Siya lang ang makakapaghatid sa’kin patungo do’n.

At pagdating ng kamatayan ko, alam ko may naghihintay sa’king buhay na walang hanggan. At doon, Siya ang makakasama ko. Hindi relihiyon o kung ano-ano pa ang kailangang subukan. Siguro nga minsan kasama yun, pero sa huli, hindi rin yun ang kailangan natin para maligtas at magkaroon ng buhay na walang hanggan.


 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” -  JOHN 3:16



So pa’no Lord, Happy 6th Anniversary sa’tin! Saka, Happy Birthday naman sa’kin. Haha!






DG
Bukas, araw daw ng  PAG-IBIG. Kahit saan nga ako lumingon, hindi nawawala ang kulay pula at pati na rin mga kung ano-anong mga bagay na hugis puso. Kahit saan din ako magpunta, ang daming “lovers”. Sabagay, kahit naman hindi Pebrero nagkalat ang mga mag-sweethearts. And kekeso pa. Kainis. Haha! hindi naman ako bitter, nagsasabi lang ng totoo. Ika nga sa ingles, “I’m just stating a fact.” Haha.

Pero higit sa bukas, mas mahalaga ang ngayon. Bakit? Teka lang…

Maaga akong gumising, tapos nagtext ako kay Jo Anne: “Pwede bang magdala ng bag?” Tapos yun, pwede naman daw. Kung anong laman ng bag ko, yun ang hindi ko matandaan. Nagkita kami sa kung saan tapos deretso sa Recto. Lao-enteng, yun ang building na hinanap namin. Akyat kami sa third floor, tapos nakilala ko si kuya Aga, este kuya Noel pala. Tapos, nakilala ko rin sila ate Melai, Janice, KR, Rose Jean, Dang at napakarami pang iba. Yun, yun ang unang pagtapak ng paa ko sa ikalawang tahanan ng puso ko – HORIZON.

Akalain mo nga naman, anim na taon na pala ang nakalipas. Parang kailan lang. Parang kailan lang nung una ko silang makilala. Hinding-hindi ko yun malilimutan.

Ika-labintatlo ng Pebrero, 2005.

Unang beses akong bumati saKanya ng “Happy Hearts’ Day”. Ngayon, Velentine’s na naman..
Sabi ni JoAnne kay kuya Jai, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Love.” Eh ako, Lord? Kailan ako babati ng ganun na may “love” rin sa dulo? Haha. ‘Di bale, pwede namang bumati ng “Happy Valentine’s Day” lang.
Ikaw? May bumati na ba sa’yo? Sige, batiin na kita, 


“Happy Valentine’s Day! May your heart be full of love.”


Oh yan, may “love” pa rin sa dulo. Next time sasabihin ko rin yan sa isang tao.. pero aalisin ko na ‘yung “may your heart be full of..” NEXT TIME.

Sa ngayon, reminisce ko muna ang unang beses kong nakilala ang pinaka-dakilang mangingibig ko. Pero sa totoo lang, nung araw na yun hindi ko pa talaga SIYA kinilala. Natatakot ako eh. Baka kasi marami Siyang maging demands sa’kin. Saka pati na rin, baka masaktan lang ako. Pero hinding hindi ko malilimutan ang sinabi Niya nung araw na yun.. Nakatatak na yun sa puso ko….



[ to be continued… ]




DG

One twenty nine of eleven, twenty three thirty. Almost midnight.


It was already nine o’clock in the evening when we ate our dinner. I got hooked with “Kingdom Connection” design and almost forgot to eat. Dennis was just waiting for me while his eyes were fixed on Erika. Oh, what? Who’s that girl? Don’t be silly. She’s just a kid with a problem in the liver. Good thing she’s already safe, thanks to her tito Jeff who donated a part of his liver. By the way, they are the ones being interviewed by Jessica Soho in GMA 7 show, Kapuso mo Jessica Soho. Today is Saturday, sorry I forgot to mention.

I finished the design after almost three hours of “titigan game” with my PC and “pindutan stuff” with her pet mouse. I even needed my right point finger to be massaged after that.

Anyway, it will be better maybe if I’ll start from the beginning. It feels like I’m telling a story in a backhand stroke.

I woke up around five thirty in the morning but I got up around eight. Why? It’s Saturday, remember? So there, first thing first of course. I’ve gone into the comfort room and did my morning stuff. Then I went back to my room and got my morning bestfriends – journal, pen and His love letter. How sweet, isn’t it?
I was done with it around nine. Then I prepared my coffee.. oh, did I eat something? I can’t remember. Haha!

I looked on the wall, I had to see if there’s lizard.. and gotcha! I saw the clock. I remember my friend ABS-CBN will let me watch Toy Story II by ten in the morning. But then I remembered my morning whisper, “Please help me spend this day right.” So, what do you expect? Of course I continued watching. Haha, just kidding.

I opened Dennis’ room, looked for his basket and there you go.. it’s full. I checked mine and though it’s quite half-full, I know I still have to wrestle with them.. and even with Dennis'. I'm such a loving sister, don't you think? Haha. And so I let my robot “washing machine” drink his weekly vitamins.. and ooops, he almost threw it. Then I fed him with so many clothes. I knew he would love it.

Around one thirty in the afternoon, I was still fascinated with KC [ Kingdom Connection ]. I didn’t know how to start. Good thing I’ve drawn a sketch, nice one for a scratch.

It was four o’clock when my robot finished it all. Then afterwards, I had to clean the whole house all by myself. This time I have no robot. Sad :(

Five o’clock tic-tac-toe. I sat down for a while, then moved into the bath room and took a nap there. No, it’s just a joke. I took a bath of course. Six o’clock, Dennis came home with lots of chocolates. He doesn’t really love me, does he? it’s not that I hate chocolates. I just don’t eat much. Oftentimes, one bite is enough. This time I’m not joking so please believe me. But oh, I love kitkat.. you know, “just have a break.”

And so six o’clock onwards you already know what happened.

Now it’s midnight. When my clock ticked ten, I knew I had to sleep. But I can’t. So I’ve decided to check my facebook. I did a random visit to some of my friends’ account. And then “SIGH-yang” came across. You know it? Yeah, it’s a note from a pastor friend, Ptr.Calvin Cuevas [name is linked]. The title’s cute, huh? But man, the content was so profound. You’ve got to read it yourself. It was so simple yet it’s indeed a BIG REMINDER.

Remember my morning whisper? “Help me spend this day right.” Sigh. This day had passed. Tomorrow, this day will just be a yesterday that can never be lived on again.

Question: Have I spent it right?

In life, whatever is done can never be undone.


The note says,

“May mga bagay pala talagang pagsisisihan tayo.. at kahit anung gusto nating ibalik ang oras para itama ang mali....sadly, HINDI NA PWEDE.”

 “Never waste TIME”.

“Seize the day”.

“Grab great opportunities.”

“Be open for change.”

“Umiwas sa regrets.

“We are TIME STEWARDS”.




I don’t want to waste my time. Tomorrow I might die. Every moment I’ll wake up is also another chance to die. THAT’S LIFE. I might go out of this house alive and come back, dead. I’LL NEVER KNOW.

Just like Ananias and Sapphira, death can be very very sudden. WORSE, it will come in the moment you’re doing nothing. And WORST, it will come in the moment you’re sinning.

Just a copy-paste from His love letter. [and it was also copy-pasted in the note]
“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” –Psalm 90:12, ESV




Question: Have you spent this day right? And if you are yet to begin it, will you choose to spend it God’s way? Come on, YOU’LL NEVER KNOW. Later, death may just come beside you. Morbid as it is, but a REALITY, as it is.




HAVE A PURPOSEFUL DAY, FELLA!